The Days After Lexie Died
April 28, 2001
Yesterday a counselor friend called on the phone to talk about getting Christian(our 5 year old) and us to do a little counseling about Lexie’s death. She asked how Christian was doing and we talked about how good it was that he could cry and tell us how much he missed Lexie. He’s a little frightened right now of going places by himself and seems to be a little clingy and is sleeping in our bed again and those were all things we could talk about.
Of course she had to ask me how I was doing and of course I’m fine. The days aren’t quite as grueling and I’m having a little more energy. She asked me what were my favorite things I did with Lex, good memories and of course I immediately thought about the times she would let me rock her. Of course then that got me into that “place” again and the tears started flowing. I loved to rock her and kiss her soft head. She always smelled so good, and some times she’d lean back and grab my glasses or my nose and if she was in the right mood, you could tickle her and she had the best laugh.
The one thing that bothered me, I told her, was that I didn’t think it would hurt this bad for this long. I thought it was going to get a tiny bit better every day. It’s just that I always feel like I need to go hide before the waterfall starts. You know that feeling when someone’s talking to you and your throat gets tight and you almost get panicky? That happens a lot and all it takes is a memory of Lex. She thought that maybe it was because I had chosen to believe tha God could heal Lexie. So, I had let myself hope and open ed up every part of my heart to God. Something we always say we want to do, but doing it make you vulnerable , because you know you now might get hurt. If you close off that part of your heart and harden it, which I had been doing with Lex, it won’t hurt as bad.
When they told us she would die, I know there were times when I pulled away from her. I didn’t want to get too attached. Just steel my heart and make it through. But I remember the time I chose to believe God could heal her and to give my heart to her and to God fully. It was scary. To tell people I believed she could be healed. What if God didn’t heal her? Would people shake their heads and say “Well, we knew Lexie wasn’t going to be healed, but poor Robbie who hoped for a miracle?” Maybe that did happen. But what I got to have is complete abandonment to God. I was able to receive his love totally and to love Lex totally. Yes it hurts a lot more, but it was so worth it.
Linda and I went for a drive down to Kansas City yesterday to the International House of Prayer. What a blessing! To spend the whole day worshipping, being ministered to and getting to see my wonderful friend Pamela. On the way back from Omaha, Linda and I talked about whether or not we had fun any more? We think we are…, praying, worshipping, laughing…but by the world’s standards we don’t have any amazing stories to tell about the trip we took, or the fun night on the town, etc. We tried to decide if that bothered us and I think we decided “Oh well!” Just to make sure, though, we stopped at a gas station on the way home and they just happened to be selling firecrackers! We decided we needed some and would have to try them out this Sunday. Won’t our husbands be surprised? I feel better now.